A Two-Way Movement
Exchanging implies a two-way movement entailing, in a human relationship, the act of giving and receiving . What a self-evident truth ! However, how many million people in the world are just satisfied with unilateral types of relationships for their selfish interest ! Does this remind you of something ?
A Movement Far From An Exact Science ...
When exchange exists in human relationships, it is not always balanced as attested by the variety of situations to be observed in the world. Some people give a lot and receive in turn very little, average or a lot. On the contrary, others receive a lot but give very little or nothing, others on the other side like to give without expecting anything and thus receive little or nothing, while others receive as much as they give (the lucky ones !). What about the people who constantly keep strict accounts of what they give and receive, expecting the accounts to be scrupulously balanced while others never count anything ? The range of behavioural patterns in the field of exchange in human relationships is broad and a balanced situation is never easy to reach. Whatever the case, some kind of balance is always necessary in any human relationship (I say « some kind of balance » not a perfect balance) : this is what ensures a long-lasting relationship because even a good Samaritan who never counts may one day in his life get tired of giving without receiving anything …
Who are you in your relationships with others ? Click here to find out.
Various Styles ...
In exchange between human beings, you also find a variety of styles : some people love informal exchange whereas others feel secure only within a formal and well-defined framework. Let us underline that when the relationships are developed in an informal manner or without any rule, everything may be all right as long as there is a balance or at least some balance the parties are satisfied with, otherwise, the relationship deteriorates, then dies. Trying to resume the relationships in such a context is generally more difficult than when some rules were set up, because there is no landmark to refer to in order to know who is right and who is wrong, except if the parties absolutely want to continue and are honest enough to admit their own mistakes.
And Also Manoeuvres ...
Direct and straightforward, or disguised and based on bad faith, exchange between human beings may be accompanied with manoeuvres in the framework of what Transactional Analysis calls “games” or “stratagems”. There are methods to manipulate another person to obtain a predictable and precise outcome leading to the depreciation of that person (and even sometimes of oneself). Such manipulations in human relationships are pernicious. A few examples of these types of stratagems : . withdrawal : the person stops promising/getting involved/conversing , becomes completely inactive … and thus you are obliged to « lose your temper », act in his/her place etc... ;
. intimidation : it is expressed in several ways among which boasting , rage or hostility to keep the other person « under control » in this relationship and impose things on him/her ;
. intellectualisation : it enables its author to mix up things in the discussion/exchange through a clever obstruction.
An interesting way to identify and decipher stratagems is illustrated by the drama triangle developed by Stephen Karpman, a psychiatrist in San Francisco in the United States of America . Karpman indeed noticed that these “games” include the same elements as Greek tragedy, within a closed triangle with three characters respectively playing the role of Persecutor , Victim and Rescuer , each of them remaining in a corner of the triangle.
Whereas the Victim, happily evolving passively, expects his/her needs to be satisfied and his/her problems to be solved by other people, the Persecutor manipulates the others according to his/her own goals and needs and as to the Rescuer, he rescues the others along with subjection.
In life, we often have unconscious manipulating behaviours which make our relationships with others difficult, and this occurs insidiously since the relationships seem to remain normal on the surface but are in fact dubious and taking place with latent tensions. According to Karpman, it is thus important to be able to decipher these stratagems and to avoid being locked up in this triangle by refusing any of thesaid roles.
The Needs |
The Goals |
Communication |
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